Originally published on TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2015
It has been two days, but I keep staring at a single line of message. And, it still doesn’t make sense.
The line was compact, yet powerful enough to shake my day. How did all this happen in merely half a day? You were just hospitalized when my sister told me so. And how did you leave without me getting to see you once? At least once. I knew you were getting worse when I had this talk with my sister, but I was not mentally prepared about you leaving us. And you promised that you would live in the beautiful house that I would buy for you when I grow up.
But then, you left. Since I heard those news, all I could do was distract myself from thinking more about it. If not then, I started breaking down and everything crumpled around me. Even now, I cannot start the topic without feeling emotional. This was probably why I started practicing avoid-thinking-about-it mechanism because it was the only thing that worked. It used to be a comfort to know that you were living somewhere healthily and happily, and now my home feels emptier. You lived so far, but you felt so near. Now, it is getting lonely here, grandma.
However, the more I tried, the more I failed. Consciously trying not to think about it was merely helping with the case. Maybe, I should be thankful to my overwhelming college life, because it was at least keeping my thoughts away from you for some time. Still, my thoughts lingered around the past where you took me to markets, bought me toys, fed me biryani rice with chicken, taught me to be respectful, and you know, all those little moments that seemed insignificant, but now I realized them to be precious. I am really going to miss the way you laughed whenever I complained about my little conflicts with my mom.
And I am here in the middle of the night, holding the sweater that you gave, and imaging that you were here.
I miss you, grandma.